The Next Step

I'm officially moved back into my parents home. Never thought I'd say that. But, yes, what little I still own is unpacked in its respective places in my old bedroom. I've even requested a USPS change of mailing address form. Yesterday, I was welcomed back "home" to Luling by my new spin instructor who is, by the way, 8 months pregnant! I literally cried the entire drive home. Four hours and 45 minutes. Sometimes I sobbed. Sometimes my eyes just leaked. Sometimes my body shook. I could only scrounge up 2 napkins in my Dad's Suburban to last the entire drive home. I used them sparingly. It all hit me. This is the next step. It's what I've been anticipating. It's the means to an end. Yet, it's also the close of a HUGE chapter in my life. Ruston was my first home. It was the first & only place I've lived since moving out of my parents house. It's where I've created my life. It's where I found my faith, what I believe in. It's where I began countless friendships. It's where I made a lot of stupid decisions and mistakes. It's also where I've made huge successes and triumphs. It's where I tried to find love. It's where I found out how to love. It's where I learned the majority of what I know. It's where I began my career. It's where I found my innate need for adventures. Ruston is where I found me, who I know me to be today. Not to sound overly dramatic, but I drove away early Saturday morning not looking back. Not because I thought God was going to turn me into a pillar of salt, like Lot's wife. I couldn't keep my eyes off the sky in front of me. There was this incredible sunrise cloud-parting thing happening in the sky. It was as if the golden sun was peek-a-booing out of the pinky-bluish clouds & the rays showed all around the edges of the clouds. The sky led me all the way from my apartment to the interstate. It was God's "good morning" to me on what turned out to be a really hard day. (Thanks again, God, for the beautiful surprise!) Leaving Ruston was definitely harder than I expected. That's the thing about expectations. They rarely ever get met to exact specifications. Sometimes it's an overshot. Sometimes you miss it by a mile. Sometimes you just ding the rim of the target. My life is turning out to be nothing like I expected. I think that's why the next step was so difficult emotionally. I never expected to be in Ruston 2 years-post college graduation. I never expected to sell my entire life's worth of stuff--things I planned to have in my future home, with my future hottie husband & my future crazy clan of children. I never expected to be almost (21 days exactly!) 25, single & moving to Zambia to work with malnourished babies. The next step kind of ruins all my expectations and plans. But that is the thing. I wouldn't choose to do anything else. I wouldn't even choose to have my previous expectations met, at this moment. Because I know I wouldn't be fulfilled or excited or 100% at peace with my life. So I guess, I'm waiting on the next step. I have no expectations of how the next 3 weeks of my life are going to go. I don't really know how to spend time saying "see you in 10 months" to my family and friends. At this point, I don't even know what to expect in Zambia. I guess the saying is true, lower your expectations and they'll always be met, maybe even exceeded. Or, maybe a better saying is expect the unexpected. I'm praying the unexpected exceeds my expectations.